You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 7

Chapter S yetThe ListWhile Jody showered, Tommy made a s centering.FeedLaundryNew apartment besidesthpasteSweet Mon place sockWindexDispose of VampireMinionWhat do we impart an onion for? Jody asked. She was having a little(a) trouble deed over riseting her vision to focus.Minion, minion, Tommy express.Mint-flavored onion? Why do we assume that?A minion Someone who arrive ater jaunt almost during the day who can help us come on. Like I was for you.Oh, my bitch.Tommy dropped his list. Nuh-uh.Jody picked it up and walked over to the kitchen incompatible where the c t completelyyee machine stood. I would sell my soul for a puffy cup of joe.I was non your bitch, Tommy said.Right, right, right. Whatever. So how pine do we rich person to do this list?I checked the almanac. Sunrise is at half dozen fifty-three, so we ingest ab come emerge of the closet twelve hours. Its almost the solstice, so we have got a lot of gloweringness.Solstice? Oh my God, its almost Chris tmas.So? hi? Shopping?Hello? We have an excuse. Were dead.My m early(a) doesnt k forthwith that. I have to find something for her that shell win without delay out of. And your family Oh my God Christmas. I was supposed to go home to Indiana for Christmas. We retire on to redo the list.You do it. Im sacking to dry my hair, Jody said.The unfermented list chthonianstandChristmas PresentsCall HomeFeedMinion (not our Bitch)Hot Monkey LoveWindex wield LiteratureDispose of Creepy Old VampireNew ApartmentLaundryToothpasteI think you should take gremlin retire mop up of the list, Jody said. What if we lose the list and someone finds it?Well I think actuate of Creepy Old Vampire would be a little more(prenominal) embarrassing, dont you?Youre right, skip over monkey love and change vampire to Elijah. Jody tapped the list with a pen. And take off Windex and portion in buy coffee. We cant drink coffee.We can smell it. Tommy, I desperately require coffee. Its insufficiency th e tune starve, unaccompanied, you know, more civilized.Speaking of blood hunger Yeah, youd better move that up the list.And add a bottle of whiskey. Youre going to have to buy it.Sorry, writer boy, just were doing this stupid list to conquerher.Im not old large to buy liquor.Jody stepped a carriage from him and shuddered. Thats right. Isnt it?Yep, Tommy said, nodding onerous to look wide-eyed and innocent.Well, okay hence. I should have checked IDs to begin with picking my bitch.HeyKidding. What are you going to do with a bottle of whiskey besides?Check something else off the list, Tommy said. I have an vagary. Get your purse.What did the Animals want, anyway?Twenty grand.I hope you told them to fuck themselves.They did that al piddle.Did they suspect, you know, about what you are now?Not yet. Lash said I looked a little pale. I sent them to the store. If Clint knows, come up Oh, good move. Maybe we should just take out an ad. Young vampire couple seeks angry villag e hoi polloi to feed them down and kill them. Ha. Village volume. Funny. Put self-tanning lotion on the list. I think the pale thing is giving me away.At seven in the evening, three days before Christmas, Union Square was awash in shoppers. There was a Santas Village set up in the increase square, with a line of children and parents that wound five hundred deep finished a labyrinth of red velvet cattle gates. Around the square, the path performers, who would normally have knocked off around five, lined the granite steps up to the square. A juggler here, a sleight-of- bowl over guy there, a half-dozen robots people painted atomic number 47 and gold who would move in machine-jerk rhythm for the drop of a strike or a bill and even a couple of tender-hearted statues. Jodys favorite was a gold guy in a stock suit, who stood motionless for hours on end, as if hed been frozen in midstep on the way to work. There was a small hole in his briefcase into which people stuffed bill s and dropped coins afterward p live(a)ographing him or trying to make him flinch.This guy used to freak me out, Tommy whispered. yet now I can see him breathing and the aura thing.I watched him for a whole lunch hour one duration and he never moved, Jody said. In the summer, you know he has to be suffering in that painted suit. Suddenly she shuddered at the perspective of Elijah, the old vampire, mute encased in bronze bandaging at the bean. Yes, he had killed her, technically, only in a way hed just easyed a door for her, a door that, no matter how bizarre, was immediate, vital, and passionate. And yes, hed done it for his amusement, hed said, scarce also because he was lonely.She wound her arm into Tommys and kissed him on the cheek.What was that for?Because youre here, she said. Whats first on the list?Christmas presents. pretermit down.Sweet monkey love.Yeah, well do it in the Santas Workshop window at Macys.Really?No, not really.Okay, then we claim liquor.Jody snatc hed the list out of his hand so quickly that most people wouldnt have even seen her move. You are no longer in charge of the list. Were getting me a new leather jacket.I AM HOMELESS AND SOMEONE SHAVED MY big CAT. William had changed his sign. Chet the huge cat was becalm wearing Jodys jump shot. He eyed the deuce vampires suspiciously as they approached.Tommy held the bottle of Johnny Walker out to William. funny Christmas.William took the liquor and squirreled it away in his come on. Most people just give money, he said.Were cutting out the middleman, Jody said. How are you regaining today?Great, wherefore? Really good, you know, considering that Im homeless and you guys neaten my cat.You were pretty hammered last night.Yeah, only when I feel great today.Thats how it used to affect me, Tommy said. Remember. Kind of energizing.Jody waved Tommy away. You didnt get light- perioded or anything? Jody asked.I was a little hungover when I woke up, nevertheless I was fine after a couple of cups of coffee.Fuck Jody spat. wherefore she held her head.Calm, Tommy said, patting her shoulder. Dr. Flood will make it all better. Maybe.Jody growled, just loud enough for Tommy to hear.Ya know, said William, when there was a break in the pedestrian craft and he didnt have to concentrate on looking pathetic, Im flush for cash, but since youre in the Christmas spirit, Id still go for a look at Reds hooters. chomp me, dirt infrastructure, Jody said as she rolled up on William.Honey. Tommy caught the back of her pertly purchased red leather jacket, just in case. Theyd never know if his idea was going to work if Jody snapped the bums neck.I will not be sexually harassed by the entree.Something you ate isnt agreeing with you? Tommy grinned at her when she looked back at him, but the fire went out of her eye.You can just cross sweet monkey love right off your list, Jody said.Jeez, what a bitch, said William. Her time of the month?Tommy quickly wrapped his arms around Jod y, lifted her off her feet, and carried her a few steps around the corner, even as she squirmed.Let me go, Im not going to hurt him.Good.Much.Thats what I estimate, Tommy said, still holding her stringent. Why dont you head over to the Walgreens and Ill finish up with the huge cat guy?A family of Christmas shoppers smiled as they passed them, mentation they were young lovers indulging in a commonplace display of affection. The father whispered Get a room under his breath to his wife, which a normal person wouldnt have heard.Count your prospered stars, buddy, we almost did it in the Santas Workshop window. Hot, sweaty elf sex in campaign of the kids. The kids would have desired that, huh?The father hurried his family on down the street.Nice, Jody said. representation to stay under the radar.Well, you know, I standardised to stay sharp, Tommy said. Because he was 19 and had only started having sex regularly since he met Jody, he still thought he had some sort of secret know ledge that was unavailable to other people. How can they possibly be thinking about anything else? he thought in the private part of his mind.Ill bet it smells exchangeable peppermint, Tommy said.What? Elf sex.Would you enthral project me down.Okay, but dont hurt the huge cat guy.Im fine. Ill meet you at the drugstore in five minutes. This had better work.Five minutes, Tommy said. Cinnamon. Maybe it smells alike cinnamon.The pale couple stalked the aisles of the Walgreens, having a great time dismissing the unrefined accoutrements of bourgeois American life, and generally scoffing at all the conventions of tralatitious culture. They were elite, after all. Special. Chosen if you will if only by the nature of their heightened sensitivities and winner sensibilities. They both claimed the ability to look past the faade puke on by most people, and see the very depths of the human soul. Strange, then, that they didnt see it feeler when the skinny guy in a flannel shirt popped ar ound the corner in front of them.Lets ask these guys, Flannel said. They look like heroin addicts.Jared face cloth Wolf and Abby Normal backpedaled from the eyeliner display where theyd been looking for something hypoallergenic. Abbys eyes had been watering all night, causing her makeup to run and giving her more of a sad-clown-of-life look than she was going for.Jared hid behind Abby, just a little, which was awkward, since he was nearly a foot taller than she. The guy in flannel was join by a beautiful, pale redhead, carrying an armload of toiletries. What amazing hair, Abby thought, looking at the long red tresses. Id give anything for hair like that.Tommy, leave these poor people alone, said the redhead.No, wait. Flannel false to Abby and smiled. Do you guys know where they keep the syringes?Abby looked at Jared, who looked at the guy in flannel. Well, you cant just buy them, Jared said. He was small-minded with the leather straps on his bondage pants, looking coy. Abby slap ped his hand.You need a prescription to buy syringes, Abby said.Do you really think I look like a heroin addict? Jared threw his bangs out of his calculate dramatically. His head was shaved except for his bangs, which reached to his chin, specifically so he could throw them out of his face dramatically. I was, like, thinking that maybe I should bulk up. You know, eat and stuff, but Well, thanks, said Flannel Shirt. The redhead moved off down the aisle. I was going to try some heroin, but if you cant buy needles, well, there you go. acquire you guys. Nice shirt, by the way.Abby looked down at her T-shirt, black, of course, with the image of a poet interpreted from a nineteenth-century etching. Like you even know who it is. She walks in beauty, like the night, quoted the flannel-shirt guy. He winked at her, then grinned. Byrons a hero of mine. See ya.He turned and started to walk away. Abby reached out and snagged his sleeve. Hey, there are needle exchange programs all over town . Theyre listed in the Bay Guardian.Thanks, said flannel. He turned and Abby grabbed him again.Were going to be at the Glas Kat. Theres a Goth club tonight. Five-hundred block of fourth Street. I know a dealer there. You know, for your heroin.The flannel-shirt guy nodded, and looked at Byrons reckon on her shirt again, then at her face. Fucksocks. Hes so looking at my streaking eye makeup.Thanks, milady, said Flannel Shirt. And he was gone, off over the dark moors of the tampon aisle.What was that about? whined Jared. Hes so, so Happy Days. Jared White Wolf worn-out(a) a lot of time watching Nick at Nite when he wasnt brooding or fussing with his appearance.Abby walked into the flap of Jareds black duster and pounded his slight agency with her palms. Didnt you see. Didnt you see?What, you acting like a complete ho?He had fangs, Abby said.Well, so do I, Jared said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pair of perfect, dentistry-quality vampire fangs. Duh, everybody does.Yea h, but his grew I saw them. Lets go, Abby said, pulling Jared White Wolf by his great bat-wing lapels. I have to change into something hot before we go to the club.Wait, I want to get some Halls. My throat is raw from all the cloves we smoked last night.Hurry. The buckles of Abbys black platform boots jangled as she dragged her friend past the lipsticks and hair products before he could get interested.Okay, said Jared, but if I dont meet a cute guy tonight, you have to stay up all night and hold me age I cry.You should try black lipstick sometime, Tommy said to Jody as they approached their building, their arms rigid with packages. He was still thinking about the kids at the drugstore. It was the first time since tenth grade that hed used his knowledge of Romantic poetry. For a tour hed tried molding himself into the tragic Romantic hero, brooding and staring clench-jawed off into space as he composed dark verse in his head. But it turned out that trying to appear tragic in Incon tinence, Indiana, was redundant, and his mother kept shouting at him and making him forget his rhymes. Tommy, if you keep grinding your teeth like that, theyll wear away and youll have to have dentures like Aunt Ester. Tommy only wished his beard was as heavy as Aunt Esters then he could stare out over the moors while he stroked it pensively.Yeah, Jody said, because I need to make it more obvious that Im an undead creature that feeds on the blood of the living.You make it sound so sordid.No, I meant it in a nice way.Oh.Because its not like people wouldnt understand if they ground out we were vampires, because we slipped up and, oh, I dont know, UNSHEATHED OUR FANGS IN THE FUCKING pharmaceuticsTommy almost dropped his packages. She hadnt said a word about that all night. Hed hoped she hadnt noticed. It was an accident.You called that young woman milady. She was impressed with my Byron.Yeah, well, your Byron was probably sticking out a little, too, wasnt he?It wasnt like that.You drooled. Jody paused at their security door and dug into her jacket for her key.Tommy stepped around her. Im still new at this. I think Im doing pretty well. My ghastly blondness obviously impressed the lady at the needle exchange. He reached into his bag and fanned out a handful of sterile-wrapped and capped syringes.Congratulations, you can now pass as an HIV-positive heroin addict.Trs chic. He grinned like he imagined a sexy Italian man-whore expertness.Who drools in public, Jody said.Damn, shes immune to my sexy Italian man-whore grin, Tommy thought. He said, Be nice, Im new. My lips dont fit together right when my fangs are out.She turned the key and swung the door open. There, passed out on the landing, was William the huge cat guy and dormancy on his chest, Chet the huge cat.I told you it would work, Tommy said.Jody stepped into the stairwell and closed the door behind her. You go first.Fifteen minutes later, as he placed five syringes bountiful of blood in their refriger ator, Tommy said, This vampire thing is going to be great.Hed had a moment when hed bitten William not just getting over the idea of universe that close someone who smelled that nasty, but also being close to some other man period. But after cleaning Williams neck with an alcohol dab theyd gotten from the drugstore, and consoling himself that most literary vampires seemed sexually ambivalent anyway, the blood hunger pushed him through.He was feeling more relaxed, now that they had the food problem resolved for a while, anyway. If his friends didnt kill them in the next couple of days, he might even enjoy life as a vampire. Then he turned to Jody and frowned. But I cant help but think that it may be wrong, taking advantage of a homeless alcoholic.We could just draw and kill people, Jody said cheerfully. She had a little crust of Williams blood in the corner of her mouth. Tommy licked his thumb and wiped it away.We did give him a nice sweater for his huge shaved cat, Tommy said .I loved that sweater, Jody said. And we are giving him a warm landing to sleep on, she added, diving onto Tommys rationalization dog pile.And if we only take a little bit each day, hell actually feel better. I know I did.And we wont become alcoholics ourselves.How are you feeling, by the way? Tommy said.Better. Hair of the dog. You?Two-beer buzz, max. Ill be fine. You want to try the experiment?Jody checked her watch. No time. Well do it tomorrow night.Right. So, on to the list. imagines like hot monkey love.Tommy, we need to find a daytime person to help us. We have to move out of this place.Ive been thinking about Alaska.Okay, good for you, but we still need to find a place to live where the Animals and Inspector Rivera cant find us.No, Im thinking we should move to Alaska. For one thing, in the winter, its dark for like twenty hours a day, so wed have plenty of time. And I read somewhere that Eskimos point their old people out on the ice when they are ready to die. It would be like people were leaving snacks out for us.Youre kidding.Eskimo Pies? He grinned.Jody put her hand on her hip and looked at him, her mouth hanging open a little, as if she was waiting for something more. When it didnt come, she said, Okay then, Im going to change.Into a wolf?Clothes, cadaver breath.I didnt know. I thought maybe youd learned.Tommy thought Alaska was a great idea. Just because she was a few years older, she always acted like his ideas were stupid. The thing with William worked, he said defensively as he put away the supplies theyd bought at the drugstore.That was a good idea, Jody said from inside the closet. immediately what? Well, Alaska isnt a bad idea.Tommy, theres like nine people in all of Alaska. Well stand out, dont you think?No, everyone is pale there. They dont have sun for most of the year.She came out of the closet wearing her little black cocktail position and her strappy come-fuck-me pumps. Im ready, she said.Wow, Tommy said. Hed forgotten what they w ere talk about.You think the Ferrari-red lipstick would be too much?No, I love the Ferrari-red lipstick on you. Hot, sweet monkey love, he thought. This was exactly why he loved her. In the midst of all of the pressure, the danger, really she still took time to think of his feelings.She lifted her breasts until they threatened to spill out of the plunging neckline of the dress. Too much?Perfect, Tommy said, walking toward her with his detainment out. Gimme.She breezed past him into the bathroom. Not for you. I need to get going.No, no, no, Tommy said. Hot monkey love.While Tommy watched from the doorway, Jody applied the Ferrari-red lipstick, checked it, then frowned and wiped it off, then grabbed a different tube off the vanity. When I get back.Where? Tommy said. Sexual frustration had reduced him to single syllables.She turned to him with the new coat of maroon lipstick. To get your minion.Not like that, youre not, Tommy said.This is how it works, Tommy. This is how I got you.N uh-uh, you werent wearing that when I met you.No, but the reason you pursued me is because you were interested in me sexually, wasnt it?Well, thats how it started, but its more than that now. And it was more, but that was no reason to leave him here all inflamed and stuff.She walked over to him and put her arms around him. He let his hands slip inside the low back of her dress. His pants were getting tight and he could feel the pressure of his fangs coming out.When I get back, she said. I promise. Youre my guy, Tommy. I picked you as my guy, forever. Im going to find someone to help us move and do things for us in the daytime.Theyre just going to want to bone you, and when you dont do them, theyll turn on you.Not necessarily.Of course they will. Look at you.Ill figure it out, okay. I dont know how else to go about it.We could put an ad on Craigs List. (Craigs List was a classified Web berth that had started in the Bay Area and was now the first place people checked for jobs, apart ments, or nearly everything.)Were not putting an ad on Craigs List. Look, Tommy, we have more things to do than we have time. You can clean the loft and go get the laundry done and Ill get us an onion.Minion, he corrected.Whatever. I love you, she said.Bitch He was vanquished. Unfair. I love you, too.Ill take one of the disposable cell phones you bought. You can call me anytime.Theyre not even activated yet.Well, get on that, buddy. The sooner I get out there and find someone, the sooner I can get back here for some hot monkey love.She has absolutely no thought of ethics, he thought. Shes a monster. And yet, there she is, only a few dress straps from being naked.Okay, he said. Dont step on the huge cat on the way out.Jody had only been gone twenty minutes before Tommy decided that cleaning and laundry sucked and that he could find a minion as well as she could, even if he didnt look as hot in a little black dress. He was careful not to incite Chet and William on his way out.